February 4, 2012

   So, I left off with things being strained with Jeremy. Well, I finally had a talk with him. I actually broke down crying to him. I never cry. I told him it feels like he was so far away from me, and asked him what I did to push him away. He started crying too and said that it wasn't me, it was all of the stress he's been under. He was trying to keep me from being stressed, so he was taking it all in and was so depressed he couldn't handle it. We end up crying in each others arms. I told him that I was talking to Joe. He understood and said that he was sorry for pushing me to the point of having to go to someone else for comfort. He understands that the relationship with Joe is only as friends. We had our chance, once upon a time, and we both ended up with the people we were meant to. We will always be friends though. We've been friends since 5th grade. I asked Jeremy if it bothered him, about me talking to Joe, and he said no. Plus, Joe has given me a lot of valuable advice. We are all on good terms.
    As for my family, that is another thing entirely. If we go and drop the girls off at my parents house to visit, my mom tries to ambush me, as I sit in the car. I would think that me staying in the car would be a pretty good indication that I don't want to see or talk to them. I am just going to not be in the car when Jeremy drops the girls off over there. I can't go through another ambush. Cheri, my mother, once again telling me what a horrible person I am, and how I need to get over everything. I would rather stand on the side of the road with the bum and hold his sign for him. I miss my family, but I don't miss the names they call me, or the ulcers they cause me.
    Now Jeremy's family....where do I begin? His mom, dad and two sisters hate me. They have hated me since the day we met. They hated me before we were married, after we were married, and continue to deny it to this day. We are now at least on speaking terms I guess. I speak anyways...they ignore. I am beyond caring anymore. I think it's been about 15 yrs since I've known them and they still treat me like crap so I don't think they are going to change now. I have at least comes to terms with it. I hate that they treat my children like they don't exist. I hate that they try to pit one child against the other. I hate that they favor Anna, because she looks like Jeremy, and have no interest in Gigi, because she looks like me. I hate that they will never get to know the real me. I hate that neither Jeremy or I have family that we can depend on.
    I have to stop talking about them or I am going to end up in a major funk. I wish things were different. I've tried to make them different...I just have no strength or heart to try anymore. I am not going to spend my life trying to get all of their approval.