Reflections

 Today has been one of inner reflection. I have been thinking a lot about family and forgiveness. How can you forgive if no forgiveness was asked for? When the person who has hurt you, continues to hurt you. When they deny everything they have ever said or done to you? When they even go so far as to try and blame you! How can you forgive someone who thinks they have done you no wrong?
  I know forgiveness is suppose to be for you, to make you feel better, but what if it doesn't? I can say yeah, I forgive that person for all the wrongs they have done me, but it doesn't help me to feel better. It doesn't make the relationship any better. So, how can you move on and stop the hurt?

 I keep my feelings very well hidden. I have my whole life. To the point where everyone, even my family forgot that I have feelings. They would say mean and hateful things to me and laugh like it was a joke. I was not allowed to cry, I was not allowed to express any opinion that differed from my mothers. For years I would spend all day in my room lost in a book. I would go day and sometime weeks without saying a single word to anyone in my house. I was rarely allowed to go out with friends. I was home schooled so I literally never left my house. From the ages of 13-18 I was like a prisoner. Even after I turned 18, I was still living at home and had no driver's license, no job and if I left the house I had to be back by 9pm. No later! Meanwhile, my younger brother and sister could come and go at free will. They had no curfew, no rules, could be disrespectful to my parents and were never punished. They were out having premarital sex, doing drugs, and in general raising hell. Yet, I was always respectful, never got in trouble, and was always in the house by 9, even though I disagreed with it. At, 19, I got my license, got multiple jobs and finally started to have a life. You would think my family would be happy for me. They were not. They missed having their house cleaned, their laundry done, their dinner cooked. They didn't care that I was finally starting to be happy. So, how can I forgive, when they do not think they have sinned?