Sunday Morning

  It is early Sunday morning of the new year. I am starting another year without Sebastian. Most people don't understand the love I had for him, to most people he was just a cat, but to me he was my best friend. Ever since he died I feel like the last part of me died too. I feel like just a shell. Ten years with anyone or anything is a long time. When I was chatting with Alan the other day it just made me realize that I am not living me life. I am just trying to get through it. I find no true happiness in anything anymore. I go from day to day in zombie mode. I do what I have to do and no more. I use to enjoy life, and family, now I have no family, and my life is all about the pain I am living in. My body is giving out just like I am giving up. How do you find the spark to life once you've lost it? How do I get the will and the drive and the want, back in my life? How do I live for happiness? Honestly if I didn't have children I would give up completely. I feel like shit for saying that too. I can't say anything to Jeremy because that would be unfair to him. I love him, how do I tell him I feel empty? I know what I NEED to do, but I am just so tired. How do I find the will?